.

2010-09-26T15:41:00.003+08:00

And somehow, once again, God had his plans laid out for me. If I hadn't come this way, I wouldn't have met the people that I have met. It is funny how we were such strangers during pre-camp 2 months ago, and right now we're tight as family. I almost cannot imagine my life without Hamily. And the thought of Eric leaving struck the same sour note in all our hearts. If I had chosen (or am going to choose) Australia, that would be me, doing my withdrawal procedures, saying goodbye, promising free medical checkups and MCs, swearing to come back for H family lunches. Despite reminding myself over and over again that it is silly to stay because of the people that are here, I cannot help but factor it in. And now FOC has become a new binding force. It appears that I've gradually spun a cobweb for myself, one that I knew that I wouldn't be able to untangle myself from. Maybe I had wanted it that way, maybe I knew that I couldn't bring myself to leave, that my love of a profession could never bring me away from what I'm used to and comfortable with. I like the status quo, I like the environment that I'm in, and I'm trying to get used to studying what I'm studying. I have a feeling that Australia is gradually occupying a smaller and smaller portion of my mind.

2010-09-26T00:21:00.001+08:00

you're too expensive to maintain

too emotionally expensive

2010-09-21T02:15:00.002+08:00

School has just started, and I'm tired already. I think that many a time, I'm too caught up in my own thoughts, too oblivious to everything else that is going on around me. Ignorance is a bliss.

2010-09-19T13:47:00.000+08:00

A sudden bout of angst, I wonder why..

2010-09-18T12:29:00.002+08:00

Some time in my life, probably at the start of this year, cynicism took over. I still maintain my idealistic views about people, of relationships, of human nature. But then I start to evaluate and re-evaluate things that people do, their intentions, the hidden meanings, real or imaginary. It is painful and tiring, and it is difficult to treat people the same. And because of this, I can only be myself around people who I can read, and who do not deliberately hide a portion of themselves from me. All other interaction is forced and unnatural, not something that I am proud of.

2010-09-17T13:40:00.003+08:00

Because I am good at this: giving up and letting go.

Time to start studying. My brain has been idling for too long.

2010-09-15T23:18:00.001+08:00

I disappoint myself. Sometimes I wonder if the easiest thing to do is to just shut off and not care, and not open up at all. Then perhaps what people do won't be of essence, perhaps that will form a protective bubble around me.

2010-09-15T03:27:00.002+08:00

I haven't figured it out, but there is no need to. I have decided.

2010-09-09T17:36:00.002+08:00

There are people who you love because they never change

people who you love because they have changed

people who change because you love them

and then there are the people who you cannot love because they never change.

As the people around me increase in complexity, it appears that I am building layers around my mind. It is scary to think of the day when you can no longer recognise or understand yourself.

2010-09-08T11:27:00.003+08:00

Sitting in my hall on a rainy day. The people around me invoke thought, and they show me what a narrow view I have had of the world. Of society, of social activity, of education, of relationships. Sometimes it feels like we've, knowingly or unknowingly, created an invisible wall separating us from the people who we immediately label as different. We judge people by the schools they come from, the courses that they choose to do. On closer inspection, it is communication that matters. Being where I am now, the pedestal that the very name of our schools used to put us on is slowly melting and disappearing. Once upon a time, I was just another face in the crowd of the high achievers. Time to learn to blend into another crowd.

2010-08-04T17:04:00.002+08:00

The scariest thing is when you don't understand yourself anymore. There has been a rapid change in my view of the world, of society, of my life. And I don't know what to make out of it, how to move on from here.

When in doubt, just stay still.

2010-07-02T00:24:00.000+08:00

Perhaps we smile in our sleep,

perhaps we think too much into things.

2010-06-26T13:12:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it is jealousy, sometimes it is a feeling of inadequacy, but most of the time, it is that we compare ourselves with other people at all.

2010-06-23T22:30:00.006+08:00

It is sometimes difficult to admit that someone you dislike really has his/her own merits. But everyone who you dislike has someone else who loves them. Life is fair like that.

But at the same time, life isn't fair. Some people get what they deserve, some people don't. And some people get what they don't deserve. It seems foolish to try to convince myself that everything happens for a reason, and that god has other plans for me because unless I already know that deep down in my heart, it is just me trying to comfort myself. Despite my indignance at the failure of the system to recognise my (self-proclaimed) worth, the past has laid its foundation for a different future. It is still unsettling that I am nineteen, and my entire future lies in my hands. I have to admit that I thought that I knew what I wanted, but I am not so sure anymore. It is still a comfort, the thought that if all else fails, I can just fly off to aussieland.

I still have interviews to pass, and more people to convince of my suitability for this profession that I thought was the only thing that I ever will consider pursuing.

Sometimes, I feel guilty. I wish that I were nicer and less temperamental, more decisive and less laid back. I have to admit that I have never faced a huge crisis in my life, and I am blessed and protected like that. But because of this, I have not experiences that have shaped my future. My life hasn't been a bed of roses, but I've never had to fight for anything. Things kind of just fall into my lap. And it might be because of this that I am at such a loss when I don't get what I want.

It is scary, how fast we are growing up, how our goals are no longer to survive that math test next week or not to get caught playing cards at the class benches. And while it appears that my life is taking some direction, it is also less concrete. I no longer have things decided for for me. I am not going to a university because I have to, but because I choose to get a degree.

And people are going to different places. This is all happening too fast for my liking. All of a sudden, the things that I once cared about so much, that took over my entire life, don't seem so important anymore.

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life." -steve jobs

Maybe, one day in the future, this phase of my life might seem like a period of senseless worry. But facing the future is scary because it is just an empty space, waiting to be filled.

And I am still frustrated that I don't know what I am doing with my future, or if I have a say in it at all. It is sometimes easier to assume that everything is predestined. It takes the responsibility off you, and you get to blame fate for everything that goes wrong.

Chandra: this is not an emo post!!!!!

2010-06-17T16:24:00.006+08:00

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

-SATC.

I've adopted a general mood of nonchalance, but it has been punctuated with periods of concern and worry. Sometimes, most of the time, I just want to make an irrational decision. And I don't want to conform, to make a calculated choice, to be reasonable or to make sense at all. Afterall, in that shaky and unpredictable future, anything can happen.

2010-06-16T13:56:00.001+08:00

coughing my lungs out :(

2010-06-09T12:31:00.002+08:00

Tell me what to do
and what to say

I' ve always been in a hurry to define everything in my life. I'm afraid of the grey areas and the undiscovered. But well sometimes we might just find beauty in the unknown.

2010-05-21T00:26:00.003+08:00

We often realise how much we care about something only when we are on the verge of losing it. But you know what? If it is that hard to hold on to, just let go. That would save me the emotional rollercoaster and all that guessing and hoping.
I always choose things that turn around and torture me.

2010-05-16T11:54:00.006+08:00

I cannot be happy about all of this, but I've made a decision not to be sad.
I'm fearful, but who isn't?

I guess if something can be dismissed that easily, it isn't worth my attention. We'll take things as they come. Time will pass anyway.

2010-05-15T23:59:00.011+08:00

Why do I care?
Why should I care.
I don't.

We should just drop this all.
It is tiring.
I want to live a life without worries.
Maybe if I expected less, I'll be happier.

Sigh. I've been sighing too much. But everything is one huge gigantic SIGH.

I'm just frustrated.
At myself, at everything that I can or cannot control.
At what I should or should not have done.
I don't even see the meaning in this anymore.

2010-05-14T03:17:00.002+08:00

I guess all I can do now is to take what life throws at me. You would think that with the right grades, you can choose any course that you want. But no, there are still courses that want to choose you. And sometimes, I feel dumb for wanting this one single course that doesn't want me. I don't even know if I am just conforming to my parents' expectations or to the Singaporean mentality of taking the best thing that comes along. If only I had considered earlier what course I would want to study if I ddin't get medicine. But it is too late to regret. I'll just move on from here anyway.

I still thank God for everything that he has blessed me with. I know that I have my family and my friends behind me regardless of what I decide to do. They might question me, they might berate me, but ultimately they will still offer suggestions that shape my decision. The whole situation that I am in still feels sucky, but one day I'll look back on this time and acknowledge how lucky I already am. I still have a choice, and this isn't the end. It is just the start of something yet unknown to me.

2010-05-11T00:34:00.003+08:00

For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and sit me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27: 5

2010-05-10T17:22:00.002+08:00

This is just extremely frustrating. The thing that surprised me is that I always took going to university for granted. Okay, it isn't that there aren't courses that want me. But I guess it is because I am very specific about my choices, and I am left with nothing else when I fail to get it. I don't even know how to describe this feeling. It definitely isn't remorse because I know that I tried and I know that I am good enough. Well, I do sometimes think about the interview and wish that I had done certain things better. But through it all, I still know that I deserve it, and that I am good enough for it. It just sucks when the system is so screwed up that you just cannot get what you want. And this sounds like sour grapes and all, but I wouldn't have grouses about it if the people that have received offers were better than I. Sometimes you just wonder what they want, and I don't understand what they look for anymore.

Well it might just be me being selfish and petty, and not being able to withstand rejection. But I've looked forward to this for so long and this is the only thing that I have wanted ever since I received my a level results. I would readily trade everything else for this. But fact remains that the situation is the way that it is. I haven't accepted it yet, and I refuse to accept it till it is final. I guess I just have to trust that God has his own plan for me, and there is something awesome for me out there.

Maybe it is a trend. I take very long to decide whether I want something, and when I am unsure I will discount it, then when I do want it, it flies away. It happens with many things in life, and I guess the only way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything at all.

We'll wait and see. Maybe I'm not cut out for a degree. Maybe I will go overseas.
It is even worse when you consider that if I had gotten an offer, I'd be excitedly planning everything for the start of school. I don't even have the mood to go to work anymore. I don't to face the world. I just want to shut myself in this cubby hole of mine and cry to the walls of my room.

2010-05-10T02:50:00.002+08:00

I just don't know.

2010-05-04T23:49:00.004+08:00

NUS NUS NUS NUS NUS NUS

I want to reach a point where I can just not care and not think about it.

It is the modern lifestyle. Or is it a Singaporean way of life? It seems that we have to be old and withering before our lives are uncluttered, before we can lie on a vast grassland and sing to the stars.

It isn't so much an empty future that is disconcerting me, it is the knowledge that I will feel extremely lost if I didn't have a university to go to, if I don't get to do the course that is top on my list. Somehow, sometime, I've adopted a mindset similar to everyone else's, and I've started to define a fulfilling life in the same way that they do.

I have to admit that I am flustered, but I cannot show it. I just have to reduce it to a worried mannerism, and hope that in the next 2 weeks, my life will settle itself.

And I admit that I am no different from any other. We all fall into the same trap, the same values that we grew up with, the same direction that society points us toward.

Or maybe working just isn't my thing.

2010-05-01T00:05:00.001+08:00

Humans are fleeting creatures.
Maybe we just want what we cannot get.

2010-04-25T21:11:00.001+08:00

All of a sudden, I'm missing night trainings at SJI.
Alot.

2010-04-25T20:47:00.001+08:00

Dear NUS,

Please offer me the course of my choice.

Your cooperation will be much appreciated.

Thank you very much.

2010-04-09T21:54:00.000+08:00

I think that I am addicted to buying new things.

2010-04-05T23:05:00.002+08:00

BREATHE!!!!!!!!

Just a room of friendly people.
Just a room of friendly people.
Just a room of friendly people.
Just a room of friendly people.

2010-04-01T01:44:00.003+08:00

Sink in deep and bounce high
Pull up straight and suck your stomach in
Flip and feel the whipping air
Land and hear the soft shudder of the tramp

It is a rhythm.

We experienced in this hall happiness, sadness, fear, courage, victory, defeat, love, rivalry, concern and indifference.
The people are different
The standard has fallen
The love for the sport waned
The attitudes changed
The mindsets shaken
The rules amended
The desire for victory over-rated
On the sidelines, every emotion now seems like an out of body experience. We will never return there, neither do I want to go through it again. But I still remember 5 years ago, july 7th, the 5 of us, shoulder to shoulder, strong and determined.

When You are Old

2010-03-30T01:18:00.003+08:00

I came across this when we were doing lit last time, and it speaks more to me now than it did at that time.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

--W. B. Yeats

2010-03-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

I'm just looking at perfect.

2010-03-24T20:04:00.002+08:00

A quarter of my life just flew by. It seems like we are just stuck in this flow of events, and few of us ever break out of it to realise that we are just doing what society deems successful. We think of our future careers; we think of making money; we think of finding love. But is life made up of more than that? Is human existence that minute and unessential?

2010-03-22T00:20:00.003+08:00

I thank god for everything that I have, and everyone of you darlings in my life :)

2010-03-18T20:22:00.002+08:00

Nanyang seems so familiar, but yet so unfamiliar at the same time. Just walking down the corridors brought back numerous memories. Us going down to the canteen to beat the lunch queue, changing after lessons and going to the gym together, walking to the audi for class contact time.

And the gym. The gym feels like home. Indeed, the people have changed, and I would give anything for ah wang to be there to welcome us with a smile on his face, to watch him bully the juniors in his uniquely hilarious way. Wu trains them differently, and the whole senior-junior bonding is somewhat different. I don't think they understand the importance of perfection, and that desire to just fly and soar. But the essence of gym exists in the memories that we had there. The blue mats, that familiar smell, the dirty sponges. All the things that we love :)

And of course being just together is all that matters :) We have moved so far, but we are essentially the same people, and you all make me feel exceptionally happy and blessed :)

2010-03-08T02:22:00.002+08:00

We are happy.
We are sad.
We are emotion filled.

2010-03-05T23:34:00.002+08:00

It is a miracle, and I thank god for it.
I never dared to pray for good grades because it is something that you work for, not something that you wish for. But I am happy and contented. No doubt, I don't need good grades to live a happy life, but this is a bonus and I am glad to have it :)
For once, this is a choice that I am happy to be offered.

2010-03-04T02:05:00.002+08:00

We always dreaded school, always had to yank ourselves out of lalaland to face closely packed lectures and highly demanding teachers. But now that school is no more, I miss the rigour of it. In a way, it is a kind of mindless existence. It is something that we are expected to do, something that has been decided upon for us. Decision making has always been hard, and right ahead lies a weighty decision.

I need some direction.

And I don't want the clock to tick down to 230 on friday. Doomsday is looming, and not even divine intervention will serve as a barricade.

It's human nature

2010-02-23T19:41:00.001+08:00

We avoid the caution signs
and bury ourselves head in.

2010-02-17T19:57:00.003+08:00

She always wanted to live a fairytale. But today she realised that her life did mimick certain tales. Like Cinderella, there was a deviation of mindset and the reluctance to conform to the norm in the family; like Sleeping Beauty this could just be a dream that she had yet to wake up from, so that she could discover that wonderful universe out there; like Snow White, every quarrel and disagreement could be a nibble of the poison apple, leading up to that huge fall off the cliff.

When that blow fell, it hit her. It wasn't physical pain, it wasn't psychological trauma. It was the revelation that love didn't stop all suffering.

Moments later, as she sat in the blackness of the enclosed room, her eyes were dry and the corners of her mouth twitched upwards. This was unprecedented. Was she going crazy? It didn't appear so. In the hollow of the dark, she had discovered a new recipe to dealing with this - indifference.

This enclavement didn't last, however. As the familiar tears trickled down her face, she conceded defeat. She wasn't the hero that she wanted to be, she wasn't as emotionally strong as she thought she could be. She was once again that little girl, dependent on others to be her pillar and her strength.

Despite what her life resembled, it was also what it wasn't. It wasn't sorrow filled and she didn't undergo many trials and tribulations. But in her meagre existence, there were bouts of unhappiness and grievances. These emotions never lasted long, however, for apart from family ties, there were other relationships from which one sought refuge.

She looked to the moon that night and prayed. She didn't pray for a reduction of agony, nor for understanding. She thanked the heavens for the angels that have been the reason for her smiles and laughter. She knew that the world out there housed people that she loved. This was a cliff she was willing to fall out of, and into the valley of friendship, love and understanding.

Eclecticism

2010-02-09T18:23:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we get lost in our own expectations. I cannot promise what I don't have confidence in commiting to, and I'm unwilling to dive into this maze of uncertainty.

Wanting to bounce, soar and flip. To look up and twist, to pull up after every single jump. In the gym I've left behind love, memories and lovely memories.

And she misses him.

A not very cynical view

2010-01-28T11:21:00.002+08:00

And we all knew that money is the root of all evil.
But how about love?
The love of money kindles greed;
the love of attention generates pride.
The love of god created the earth in 7 days, while
the love of mankind effectuates the 7 deadly sins.

2010-01-24T23:09:00.001+08:00

Bogged down by unfuturistic thoughts about the future.
Unmoving time, that is a dream.

2010-01-18T22:31:00.004+08:00

Charissa Han:
PLEASE GET THAT SIMCARD NOW :(

2010-01-04T00:19:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking of how to fill in the extra time in my life when my siblings start school, and I'm left alone at home. Yet, why should we fill in every empty space possible.

2009-12-10T21:06:00.003+08:00

I don't know what's worse. That this keeps happening, or that I allow myself to be affected by it.

Met Jiayee and Meiying today, and I have to say that The Christmas Carol isn't a nice movie to watch. Where did all the nice christmas movies go? I just can't wait to get to Europe where I might actually find some enjoyment in my new found freedom. It just doesn't help that Yining and Charissa both left on the same day :(

2009-08-17T00:18:00.001+08:00

STUDY STUDY STUDY

Because the end is in sight.
I just wish my brain were less rebellious.

2009-07-09T22:03:00.002+08:00

I promise to study hard after a one week break. And this time, I won't offer myself anymore excuses. I will get rid of all the distractions! I promise!! ><

It's funny how life happens sometimes. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy the rigour of the process.

I'm not a miley cyrus fan, but I like this song :)

2009-07-05T15:38:00.002+08:00

And the sermon today couldn't have been more informative. Selective grace that leaves some of us left behind. Sometimes, I really wonder if believing is receiving. He loves. But do I? During some part of my life, selfishness and pride took over. That's why babies are always beautiful. Because they are angelic and sinless. As we age, we accumulate wrongdoings, and more often than not, we are our own downfall.

2009-07-03T23:35:00.002+08:00

Currently in love with this song!!
That's what love really is to me, loving the other for all his imperfections and awkwardness. Because that's when you know that it is real. Recently, I've been seeing relationships crack, and even break down, because people just aren't themselves. And relationships just cannot be built on lies and false perceptions. You refuse to change him by telling him what is wrong with him, but you continuously change yourself to be perfect in his eyes. That will make a very fragile, and to me, flawed relationship.

Because the future is so tentative and I'm unsure about everything from what I'm doing now to what's going to happen in the future, it seems like I'm walking in the dark with no sense of where I'm heading anymore, and I dislike that feeling, I dislike the dark. I'm at a major crossroad of my life, but I seem to be working towards nothing. Studying has always been something that I'm too lazy to do, but never difficult to do. But at this point, it is difficult to study, and even harder to do well. I know that somewhere inside me, there is that ability to study hard and do well, but I just haven't realised it yet.
I'm tired of the branding and naming. Don't behave like you know me so well; don't behave like you know all that I've been through; don't behave like you know what is going through my mind.

2009-06-24T19:39:00.003+08:00

This is probably one of the few times when realisation isn't enlightening, when it has triggered more tears than stress has.

2009-06-23T12:19:00.003+08:00

And so I wasted plenty of time on the television and day dreaming about stuff that I could be doing. While my usually mugger siblings actually have the time to watch korean dramas and play computer games (yes we are no life noobs still stuck on SIMS house party and Age of Empires), I have to stare wistfully and then cruelly drag myself back to the control of gene expression. And while the rest of this shopping city is enjoying GSS and wasting their money away on stuff that they buy because it looks nice on models but in reality don't suit their body shape one bit, I only can flip through magazines and stare at the pretty dresses and hope they could pop out of the page and appear in my wardrobe. It really doesn't help that at this point, I feel like doing all the crazy stuff that I would never in my lifetime think of doing unless I'm as bored and devoid of life as I am now. The grass is always greener on the other side. Too bad I'm not a horse, but I would like to get to the other side soon. FIVE MONTHS TO GO!! Please help me to survive this mentally exhuasting half a year that will be a little more than torture and a little less than boring. And when I'm bored because I no longer have studying to do, I'll be thankful that I actually can sit in front of the computer and pig out the whole day.

2009-06-08T22:43:00.002+08:00

Because your definition of love is so different from that of the mainstream, I find it hard to believe that you even know the meaning of that word. It is a big word, just like hate is a big word.

Life is a journey that has just begun.

30 hour famine

2009-06-08T00:23:00.003+08:00

Famine camp is over, and I SURVIVED IT!!
I was actually quite annoyed throughout the whole duration of the camp because I felt alot of things were poorly planned and not well thought through. But I have to admit I learnt some things from the camp. I learnt that I can live without food, and that I crave for different things from other people. Fried chicken and maggie mee? No thanks. I crave for bread. I also learnt that I'm never ever going to starve myself again because my emotions cannot withstand such turmoil. Low blood sugar = sleepy and gloomy Jeanne. And if I really want to give to society, there are better ways than doing something so symbolic. Real actions that actually have a direct impact on the victims. If my parents allow, I really want to go on a missions trip next year. Because I learnt so much more from 1 day of OCIP Vietnam than 30 hours of starving myself. And the former is tonnes more meaningful and fulfilling.

I really dislike it when people walk super slowly, particularly when they block my path. I guess it is part of city living. Everything goes at a hustle and bustle speed, and you can never be too fast. But I really want to have the time to stop and take a deep breath, to stretch and enjoy the cool morning breeze, to appreciate the nature that was created not for humans, but for all living creatures. But then reality check: I am on a race with time, and time waits for no one.
(CRAP I AM LEGALLY 18 AND THIS FEELS OLD!! I WANT TO BE SEVENTEEN AGAIN.REWIND!!). Some times, I wish life was like a tape on playback.

And the battle begins. Block Test 2, HERE I COME :D

2009-06-02T20:42:00.002+08:00

My brain feels like a turkey at thanksgiving - filled with stuff that really shouldn't be there, and ready to dash out at the slightest hint of an opening. Let's just hope my ears aren't as leaky as I feel they are.

2009-06-02T11:29:00.002+08:00

As the clock ticks down to that last second
A flury of movement
A voice
A sigh
And that chance is gone for good.
"Do it once, do it well", my parents say.
How well? How to?

That lack of motivation and determination is present in almost every being. But in me, it is detrimental.

2009-05-31T23:39:00.002+08:00

Just because I'm bored of studying how proteins translocate across the nuclear membrane, a process initiated by rubbish signals and receptors.

She laughs at the remotest events
Evoking extrinsic laughter
Though not at what tickled her
But at her contagious laughter

An injured knee
A stubborn girl
She jumps
People nag
In return?
A defiantly stuck out tongue

Ten different funny faces
Ten different smiles
Ten different ways to make your day

Special
Unique
Exotic

Rina
The one and only
The rainbow
The ray of hope

-My dearest junior

There stood once a pillar
There leaned once a little girl

She looked up and saw a sky golden, a sun blue
She looked about, infront, and saw that same pillar

She learned about that one same pillar
When the sun rose
When the sun set
When the rain washed
When the drops dried

She learned and heard the colours of the rainbow
rays of hope, love, passion, desire, discipline, satisfaction

Why do all good things come to an end?

There entwines now a heart
There entwines now 2 hearts

They beat within a reflected rainbow

An eternal hope
A cured bridge
A forged bond of love and indescribable

Wind of the day
Sigh of the sun
Simle of an angel's breath

One of the people I can turn to anytime, even during periods of childish whims or pure boredom. She is the love :)

2009-05-29T21:25:00.002+08:00

Don't ask me why I've started to blog again. It might be that vacuum that gym has left behind, that nothing else can fill. I cannot belive this is something that I ever wanted to give up on, and I'm ever thankful to ah wang for believing in me and helping me regain my confidence in gym. Now that it's gone, I regret. I regret for not attaining that perfection that i've worked so hard towards, for not trying harder towards the end, for letting other things take precedence over gym. I regret for not enjoying that feeling of soaring when I still could, for not appreciating the amount of confidence I have on the tramp that I can hardly find elsewhere. But most of all, I look back with a smile that says it all - it is a journey that was fulfilling, that I would do anything to experience again. What gym has given me, nothing else has, and nothing else can. That feeling of accomplishment and determination to succeed is nothing that any other activity can induce in me, and I am ever thankful that I have went through this bittersweet journey, filled with tears, smiles and love.

I have to admit, I think I watch television to find that mystical universe that isn't part of the real world, to imagine things and people that I can never encounter in real life. Where princes and glamour exist lies our wonder and amazement, and above all, a wish that it could occur in our lives too. A childish part of me still believes in fairytales. And why not?

2009-05-28T20:43:00.002+08:00

I guess I'm still an idealist, and always will be. Not that I am perfect, nobody is. But part of being human is accepting your weaknesses and just being yourself, isn't it? I really don't get all that pretense. The times when I cannot stand people is when I find them trying to be someone they are not. It disgusts me. I don't get it, either. It is just me. But then again, I don't bear grudges, and neither can I stand people that bear grudges, people who continue nursing a wound even when a scar has formed.

I know I can't expect the world to hold the same values that I do, neither can I change people. But if I had three wishes, I know exactly what I'd wish for. But since I don't, all I can do is learn from these people's mistakes, and never be like them. And I am appeased knowing that such people will never play an important part in my life because I cannot imagine myself developing a friendship with them.

On this note, I don't want to grow up. As you grow up, people become more complex, more scheming, more difficult to comprehend. I want to return to 10 years ago when we would all run around in the playground together, when we could just throw down the spade and say "I don't friend you anymore".

Sigh.

2009-05-23T12:20:00.001+08:00

When life sucks, you work harder to make it suck less.

2008-12-05T22:18:00.004+08:00

Going back to nanyang reminded me of how much I miss the gym there, training, and the 5 of us. Striving together for that invisible goal. I have to admit that when it comes to gym, I'm a hopeless perfectionist. But that is the love of the sport. I won't settle for anything less than the ultimate best routine. And I'm determined to do well for comps next year! The gold or silver medal doesn't really matter. I just want to do a perfect routine when I embark on that 50 seconds on the comp tramp - a perfect ending to my gym career already packed with wonderful memories.

Went out with Charissa yesterday and we did nailss.
I love spending time with herr!

Today was funn.
Other than the fact that I fell during training because I was made to do the freaking shuttle run (wth. I don't even do NAPFA!). And there's an ugly raw spot on my knee that is bleeding and emitting pus and is also disgustingly stinging..
Training was not too bad..Managed to do everything but houkongchuai.
Went to watch Bolt with Jevon, Darrell, Aki and Chunyan! (i.e. teammates excluding ERWIN who is galivanting in Shanghai) It is quite nicee (: And I was mega grateful for Darrell's bag which kept me warm throughout the movie (Lido's theatre's are coldd!) at the expense of Darrell. He was freezing, I think. And Aki walked out of the cinema in a fashion that was pretty embarrassing for the rest us us. That's what you get for not eating breakfast AND lunch!! (but no doubt, I need to acquire Aki's skill of not eating).
Haha. I LOVE MY TEAMMATES! (both ny and hc). Duper fun people who always make me laugh.

Feeling guilty for not having started studying for SATS. I'm going to bring the thick book up the plane and end up not reading it and getting despised by the Americans. But HECK.

Teach me how to get rid of a guy in ONE STEP that does not involve faking a boyfriend.

OFF TO AMERICA :DD
3 whole weeks! It is gonna be AWESOME!
I'll miss Singapore and non-oily, healthy food!

2008-12-04T23:06:00.001+08:00

For that moment, your heart stops pumping.
Disappointment sets in.
Then you realise that it doesn't really matter anymore.
It never did matter.
There are more important things in life.

2008-12-03T22:37:00.002+08:00

I've been lazyy.
Trainings have been really laxx because..just didn't feel like it. And I'm leaving for America without having settled the new team for next year. It's pretty unsettling. But I'll just leave it to the guys to teach them. They brough forward comps next year, so it's gonna be pretty rushed.

Watched Four Christmases with Jiaqi and Rina! It's not too bad..But I guess it isn't in our age to be thinking about the issues that couple faced.
And the juniors have to keep reminding me that I'm oldd. SEVENTEEN IS YOUNG!

I used to think that life is about happiness.
But I realised that it is about finding meaning in life, about striving for that which you deem worthy.
Well..I also used to think that fairytales were perfect and wonderful.
Someone just enlightened me on that fact recently.

CHARISSA IS BACKK! :D
Omg. I missed her sooooo much!!

2008-12-01T23:00:00.002+08:00

A thin line exists between love and hate.
And I don't plan to cross it.

You know, the most surprising things happen. Seriously. I shan't delve deeper into that, but each day contains new revelations for me. Even in the holidays where I'm supposed to be distant from school.

Hwachong is so peaceful in the holidays, it's a stark comparison to during term time. It is these times that make me appreciate how homely hwachong is compared to nanyang, Nanyang is a beautiful school, but it feels like a prison. It is suffocating. Hwachong isn't the most liberal school, but it is, at the least, welcoming.

Going for ny training tomorrow!! :D
Excitedd!! :D

New revelations for the day
1) Mr A isn't as scary as he is supposed to be.
2) Jevon is Indonesian-Chinese
3) Chandra is not an indian surname
4) Mr Lim is super lame when he decides not to be in a bad mood
5) Huge, fat, hairy bees are the most disgusting creatures on earth
6) Even during the holidays, life is hectic.

2008-11-27T20:13:00.001+08:00

Rahh.
I hate it that I cry so easily.
I need a course entitled "how to control your tear glands".

2008-11-27T15:57:00.003+08:00

Tuesday was GREATT.
No doubt, it isn't my type of party (what with alcohol and darkness and all). I can't even remember the last time I'd been to a party! But it was wonderful because of my TEAMMATES AND SENIORS.
I love you guys soo much. And it is also you all who make my life so wonderful.
I wasn't feeling well, and had to leave earlier than necessary. But all the same, I enjoyed my time basking in the craziness and goofiness of my eternally high teammates. Haha.
GO BACK TO GYM SOMETIME NEXT WEEK K! :D

2008-11-21T17:20:00.001+08:00

Training today sucked because of this terrible china lady that kept picking at my qitiao. On one hand, it showed me how much I've deteriorated, how much I need to pick up. On the other hand, someone should just tell her that she isn't the boss of a div. Pretty much, Jevon and I are the bosses of a div. Even Mr Lim doesn't have the power to do anything to Jevon anymore, needless to say her, a mini coach with absolutely no status. Blah. I think I pissed her off because I ignored her and her lousy comments throughout training. But then again, who cares?

Qitiao - no muscles to xiduzi
Houkongchuai - wai
180 sit drop twist - wrong angle
Brani - wai, too rushed
Tang - WRONG
Houzhi - not wangshang, slow

My tao is full of mistakes. It really is the ultimate imperfection now.
I NEED PERFECTION AND FAST!

I'm really losing it, I think.
Losing control over my brain and my feelings.
This seriously sucks.
I want to go back to vietnam, where reality seems miles away.
Now that I'm back, there's no escaping.

2008-11-19T22:42:00.003+08:00

BACK FROM VIETNAM :D
It was great!

TUG OF WAR :D

Chipmunk!

Roommate!

Fac head!

Teaching buddies! :D

Ms Yang!

Ms Poh

s77 :D

Mortal!

Mr Khairul :D

I'm missing vietnam already..
And the Vietnamese children have given me new insight into life. They are satisfied and happy in their simple lives. We, on the other hand, seem to lack nothing, but we also have nothing because we're never easily contented. I really wonder which life is really the better one.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MR JEVON CHANDRA!!
Learn to be less of a loser (:

On a mission to get my houkongchuai back.

After today, all will change.

2008-11-08T12:12:00.002+08:00

OFF TO VIETNAM!!

I'll miss filtered water (:

2008-10-14T22:23:00.002+08:00

I feel like strangling myself for not remembering such a special day.
But..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HE YINING MY BESTIE AND WONDERFUL PENG-SEAL! :D

And cheers to the wonderful memories we share.
You are special and I LOVE YOU :D :D

2008-10-04T22:39:00.003+08:00

THE SWEET SMELL OF FREEDOM :D

I'm sort of guilty because I haven't studied hard for promos, and I know I deserve whatever terrible results I get. I promise to try harder next year (:

I NEED PT.
I'm soooo unfit
and super inflexible now.
SAVE ME!

To do:
TRAIN
GET BACK MY HOUKONGCHUAI
Go back to dance
Get that over split I've always wanted
Watch movie(S)
Watch drama(s)
PW
Fac outing stuff
Open house stuff
Tidy my study area
Laze around and do nothing
Go running
SHOP
SHOP
SHOP
SHOP

2008-09-15T21:32:00.003+08:00

Someone once said that I immerse the present in the past, that I seem to live in memories. But I guess it's just me clinging on to those times and experiences that felt so blissful and blessed. It's those memories that make the corners of your mouth naturally turn upwards. Those memories based on love and concern and heartfelt emotions. I constantly miss this and that, things, times, people from the past. Or rather, what used to be that no longer is. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives and pragmatism of people nowadays, these moments of unexpected bursts of happiness seem all the more valuable. They what I hold dear to my heart. It's not me being pessimistic. But sometimes, I just wish these moments would occur more often. Many a time, we're too busy to stop and smell the roses, too busy to take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. Probably, if we just stopped and listened to our hearts, we would do things alot differently. Memories are about reliving that moment; that which you couldn't hold on to, but can alway savour at leisure.

1000 things to do
1,000,000 wishes
An eternity of prayers
The key to all our troubles lies in Him.

2008-08-30T16:56:00.003+08:00

I'm supposed to be on a hiatus. But I'm tired of studying..
Promos is in 3 weeks!! It's quite freaky. It feels like I just stepped into hwachong. Yet, the year is coming to a close. Well..this end of year has many things for me to look forward to (:

I miss gym :( I don't know why. I think it's because I'm banned from running. But I need to exercise somehow..and doing pt doesnt exactly qualify as exercising..
I miss that feeling of soaring again.
The rippling air.
The adrenaline rush.

I actually miss SJI gym. Not the smelly sponge pit, but my favourite tramp! And wang's presence in the gym, that feeling of security he gives me. Not like he'll ever be able to catch me if I fly out. But with him around, it seems nothing can go wrong. But he abandoned me, ny gym and sji gym to enjoy his quiet retirement. I guess he deserves the break! I imagine him in some secluded part of Canada, sipping his coffee while his wife mans the garden. It seems remote, I know. But I'd like to think he abandoned us for a blissful life!

GOOD LUCK FOR PRELIMS AND A LEVELS, SENIORS! :D
(and of course that includes Esmond too!)

APOLLO FAC COM :D

Lord, I need you to guide me through this psychological turbulence. It's turned my life topsy turvy. I need an end..

2008-08-10T21:18:00.002+08:00

Still
By Reuben Morgan

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

I just know that when all else fails, He'll always be there for me, my refuge in time of weakness; my strength in times of uncertainty. He's the constant in this ever changing world.

2008-08-03T21:23:00.002+08:00

Reading past posts has just offered me snippets into what my life used to be like. And I have to say, it used to be GREAT. Not like it is bad now. It's just how carefree I used to be in the past, how little I cared or considered about so many things. I don't know whether the change is good or bad; I don't know which way will my life be better. On one hand, I do miss the Jeanne that failed every single test and didn't bother about her homework. It's not like I'm doing much more now. It's just that I do care alot more. Somehow, that innocence vanished, together with my childhood. Now, all I can chase is a well-balanced life, no longer a carefree childhood.

I really don't like having to bother about my social life. I just want to hide myself in my shell and live in my own world with the people I love, the people how know me best. The people infront of which I can be myself and still be loved for my craziness, whininess, and pms moments. It's just really tiring because people can vary so much and sometimes, it is hard to gauge who they really are.

2008-07-31T22:19:00.002+08:00

Of course, we never know when we're lost.
We just need that arrow to point us in the right direction.

I need motivation
determination
for EVERYTHING that's coming my way, not only my studies.
Fine. I'm just lazy.
Reality check: I'm not even trying hard enough to achieve my goals.

I went vivo with poke on wed! :D

Blah. I need to lose weight.

2008-07-26T22:46:00.003+08:00

Revelation - the way out of this is to find perfection in imperfection. Because perfection is a form of imperfect. You can never be too perfect. Many a time, taking a different perspective is much easier than changing everything else.

This book that I read says that happiness is reality divided by expectations. Hope is the inverse. So should we have higher expectations? I just want to live a happy and contented life. To walk with god. Because I know I can find happiness in Him.

'I scream for ice cream' is over! I really don't know what to say about the event. I just hope that those in Apollo enjoyed it!
After every major event is over, I will harbour hope that it indicates a return to normal life. I mean going home earlier than 6, and having time to revise and do my tutorials. But then again, it indicates a mundance lifestyle. I'm not too sure I can live with that.

LOVE LOVE!! :D

2008-07-19T22:07:00.002+08:00

Zoe and Livia at GYM COMPS :D

ICE SKATING! :D

Tears are definitely not a sign of weakness. They are a form of expression, god's gift. Sometimes, it is hard to hold things back. Through the past half a year, I've been swallowing so many tears, hiding so much feelings that I really don't know when to release anymore. I want to just run up a mountain and scream. But this is Singapore. All we have is Bukit Timah Hill.

I realised my Father has sent me so many angels in my life. I'm truely blessed. That should be enough to keep me happy.

2008-07-14T22:18:00.002+08:00

Some people just live their lives so full of hatred and bitterness. It's tiring just being around them. I'm trying to be at least civil. But it becomes tiring, and I learn to just ignore it and, to a certain extent, give up on it.

GYM COMPS THIS WEEK!
JIAYOU!! :D
I'm wondering if I should pon school on friday. While I don't want to get into trouble, I REALLY want to watch gym comps. Why can't the school just give us leave on friday? :(

It isn't easy.
But I'll get there.

2008-07-10T20:58:00.002+08:00

This is kind of late, but
NADAL WON WIMBLEDON 2008! :D
He broke Federer's winning streak!
And he's the first guy after Bjorn Borg to win Roland Garros AND Wimbledon consecutively!! :D

Life's really unpredictable.
I know I really shouldn't be happy about what happened, but I can't help but be happy.
What's wrong with me?

2008-06-21T23:34:00.002+08:00

I come to the cross
I come to the cross seeking mercy and grace,
I come to the cross where You died in my place.
Out of my weakness and into Your strength,
Humbly, I come to the cross.

I come to the cross seeking mercy and grace,
I come to the cross where You died in my place.
Out of my weakness and into Your strength,
Jesus, I come to the cross.

Your arms are open, You call me by name,
You welcome the child that was lost.
You paid the price for my guilt and my shame,
Jesus, I come,Jesus I come,
Jesus, I come to the cross

I come to the cross seeking mercy and grace,
I come to the cross where You died in my place.
Out of my weakness and into Your strength,
Jesus, I come to the cross.Jesus, I come,
Jesus I come,Jesus, I come to the cross.

I know that at this point, prayer isn't going to save me. Nothing is. I'm just walking into this ball of flames, hoping that my father will be with me, and I'll succumb in the end. It will be a painful lesson, a greulling journey. But with His love, nothing is impossible. I feel that I have lost that passion that I once had when i first came to Christ. But deep inside, I know the reason for it. And I plan to change it. Lord, come back into my life.

2008-06-02T19:11:00.004+08:00

I've decided to blog.
I wanted to wait till Jialin uploaded fac com camp pictures before blogging but I gave up on waiting.

Fac com camp was FUN :D
Despite the mosquitos and dirty toilets, it was a camp that is very different from the other camps that I've been to before. Of course, the place itself made a really big difference.
I guess it did acheive its aim of bonding the fac com and cultivating leadership qualities to a certain extent! But never have I had such good food in any camp. AND WE HAD FIREWORKS :D Superb fireworks!
Stargazing was the best ever. It's surprising how, just over a border, you can see so many more stars and so clearly.

Since secondary school days, I've been wondering and wondering about people. How their minds think. Why they do certain things. I guess this is what ignited my interest in psychology. But no matter how long I spend on the topic, I can never understand others. The tonnes of questions that I have can never ever be answered.
Over and over, I keep finding out that someone might not be who I think she really is. That nice, angelic girl who claims to be soft spoken actually has this other side of her that I find monstrous. I am neither soft spoken, neither am I the nicest person. But at least I am true to myself and to those around me. What you see is what you get. Period.
My dad thinks that my siblings and I are idealists. Recently, my sister has been troubled over her university courses. She isn't sure what to choose. Constantly, the issue of salary keeps coming up. To me, interest is more important than anything. I do not mind doing a low paying job if it is something I'm interested in. Just the same, I don't believe in doing things for the sake of a nice portfolio. But apparently, many others do. They apply for tonnes of leadership positions, try to get into various excos just so that these will boost their portfolio. But I constantly ask myself, so what? Fine. You get a nice portfolio, get into the course of your chioce, probably even secure a place in an ivy league university. But after you graduate, life goes on. You might end up having more job offers and starting pays that are a few hundreds more than your peers. But life is made up of more than just money. There are alot of things that money can't buy. Like friends. Like love. Like concern. Like memories.
One day, all of us will realise that the world is made up of more than us and our materialistic wants. Or maybe some won't. But I do pray that all of us would someday face this revelation. A reality check. No doubt, life is a whirlwind of events. But we can pull ourselves out of it with just a snap. When that something clicks in your mind.
That was probably an incoherent rumble to alot of people. I'm probably not making sense. But I'm really troubled because I don't understand how we're all humans, but our values can differ so much. Is it wrong for me to expect everyone to be themselves? I mean..pretending to be someone you're not is really tiring because it is like being an actress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. It is probably easier to live with the fact that people will love you for your flaws. That's I determine my closest friends - Yining, Char, Rina, Cindy. They have seen my ugliest sides. But they're still with me, and I love them for that.

I'm going overseas (actually overSEA) on wed - MY BIRTHDAY! :D
Yeah. I'm a lucky girl. I get to spend my birthday overseas.
So, HAPPY (EARLY) SWEET SEVENTEEN TO ME! :D

I promised Qiao, so I shall waste time doing this quiz. Haha.
Here goes nothing..

Instructions: remove 1 question from below and add in your personal question then tag 8 people in your list, list them out in the end of this post. Notify them in their chatbox that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have a blessing from all.

Q1: Do you like your present school?
A1:YUP. It's tonnes better than Nanyang. At least our admin isn't made up of blind old bats!

Q2: What do you want the most now?
A2: THREE WISHES!

Q3: Who is the closest person to you in your school?
A3: CINDY and GYM SENIORS :D

Q4: Do you hate your friends sometimes?
A4: The issue of hate - I don't hate anyone or anything. I think hate is a strong feeling that is just tiring to feel. I dislike but I don't hate. I'd rather spend the energy loving.

Q5: Are you afraid of death?
A5: Hmm..I think I'm ore afraid of loneliness than death

Q6: What is your goal this year?
A6: Juggle all aspects of my life perfectly well, and get my As

[QIAO, why is there a HUGE gap in the question numbers here?]

Q14. Who would you probably spend the rest of your life with?
A14: God (:

Q15: What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
A15: Finding meaning in it

Q16: Do you find life meaningless?
A16: Haha. (refer to my answer in Q15) I don't think its meaningless. It's just that I've yet to find the exact meaning of life.

Q17: What do you live for?
A17: For not dying? So I can redeem myself and ensure a place in heaven before I die?

Q18: Who do you talk most to in school?
A18: Cindy!

Q19: What are you listening to now?
A19: Fall for you - i.e. the JonSoh song? It's Qiao's blog music!

Q20: What do you want most now?
A20: TEN WISHES!!

AND I shall not tag anyone. Haha. Whoever wants to do the quiz, go do it. Though I don't think anyone would want to..I shall not inflict misery on others. And I'm lazy to go around tagging. Haha.

Toodles till 10th June!! (:

2008-05-19T16:00:00.002+08:00

SHAKE! Is finally over!
We totally rocked the stage down! I seriously don't know how it looked like to the audience, but every single one of us gave our all at that last moment. And in the last 2 weeks up before dance night, we really improved quite alot. I guess that is accomplishment in itself.

Thanks to those who came and gave flowers!
Dan
Tiffany
Zoe, Qiao, Liv, Minyi
Rina, Jiaqi, Shihui
Abby
Shufeng
Charissa, Nikki
Ben Poh
Alfred
Terri
Peirong, Megan, Jevon, Chunyan
Lingying
Natalie, Suxiang

And those who sms-ed:
Yining
Jon Soh
Guanyu
Gino

Eh. I think i missed out some people. But I can't remember!! Haha. SORRY!

I have to say that it is a very different experience. Maybe because it's only my 2nd proper dance performance after chingay, it is something new. But it isn't something I want to go through all over again. I guess it just shows where my passion lies. I can spend hours training for gym and not feel tired or guilty. But spend the same (or even slightly less) time on dance, and I start feeling tired. Somehow, the excitement wears off. Then again, now that dance night is over, there is a tinge of emptiness. Where am I to spend my extra time now? The obvious answer is on my studies (my results sort of suck this term). But I don't have the motivation nor discipline to invest this amount of effort in my studies.

I screwed up a little on both nights. I hope it wasn't obvious!!
GREAT JOB DANCERS! :D

PICTURES!

2008-05-05T21:07:00.002+08:00

Today was a flunk-everything day.
First, I flunked chem test.
Second, I didn't know Dan was coming today, and I didn't bring short thights, so ended up wearing fbts.
Then, I FELL during modern blocking. And I have a raw spot on my knee now. AND it was really loud. SUPER EMBARRASSING!!
Then, I flunked fac com interview. I was totally unprepared for it. I just read the sms this morning, and I was totally unsure what I was running for. When i asked Ms Teo, she said CT rep. AND I actually told Yingming I didn't know what I was running for (kongs myself on the head). I was totally zoning out during the interview, and hardly registered any of the questions, needless to say answer them well. Ah wells. Maybe they will sack me from being CT rep?
1000 flops during dance that I shan't name..
I MISS GYM!! ><

The end of my monotonous life.
Haha. My juniors add some colour into my life. They're pure entertainment!

2008-04-29T21:12:00.003+08:00

I was determined to abandon this blog. But with request from Jiayi and POKE, I shall blog!

Tramp comps was 2 weeks ago!! The day after comps, I was full of emotion and after thoughts. But now, all these has died down. All I'm left with is this sense of loss. I don't know where to continue from now on, I don't know what to do without the seniors. I'm going to be working with a new team next year (if I even have one), and probably with people from different schools, and I don't know how I'm gonna do it alone.
Honestly, I wanted to bash myself up for not waiting, for flipping too early, for being slanted. But I'm happy for my seniors, for especially meying who did so well. I always believed in her. It was she, that stupid senior, doubting herself..
I MISS THE SENIORS. Essentially, they were the first team I ever was in, when I was in sec one. They gave me the most support, and taught me the most.
MEIYING my joker of the century, my pillar of support.
PEIRONG AND MEGAN the 2 retarded seniors who never fail to make trainings more fun.
LINGYING the ever strong individualistic never-say-die senior who will never shibai.
SIGH. I am even close to megan, who I've only trained with for 4 months.
In a way, I'm glad dance has offered me with a distraction from all these thoughts, and also something to preoccupy me while finding how to continue on from here. Otherwise, I'd probably stagnate immediately.
I LOVE MY SENIORS >< Anyways, updates of the results HCI GIRLS TEAM SWEPT!! meiying - indiv gold peirong and I - tied indiv silver The guys team got their expected TEAM SILVER Darrell got indiv bronze. If I didn't remember wrongly, for high school, C boys got TEAM GOLD and SWEPT TOO! B boys got TEAM GOLD. Akilan got indiv gold. NANYANG!! I am SO PROUD of my juniors. Not because of the medals. But because they all did to their fullest (yes, even Livia and Zoe and Cherie - who have termed themselves the legendary losers). Like I've said from the very start, what's most important is the fighting spirit, the knowledge that you tried your very best. In that last moment, I saw the passion in their eyes. The nanyang spirit. And the improved SO MUCH in the last 2 weeks. C div got TEAM SILVER!! B DIV GOT TEAM GOLD! AND THEY SWEPT TOO!! :D

I told myself that I won't cry this year. But I did. AGAIN. It might be because of that tinge of disappointment. But more important than not, it is that overwhelming sense of relief. That it was over, that I did it. It was an emotional breakdown. But it was one that signified an ending. A fullstop.

PICTURES!!

2008-04-15T22:12:00.002+08:00

My blog's been stagnating.

TOMRROW'S TRAMP COMPS!!

JIAYOU HCI A GIRLS
Meiying, Peirong, Lingying, Megan.
We will all do nice routines and WILL NOT shibai!!
JIAYOU :D
Team gold!!

JIAYOU HCI A BOYS
Jevon, Darrell. Esmond, Chunyan, Erwin
Work towards not having to shave your heads!! (:

JIAYOU NANYANG C DIV AND B DIV!!
Jump high, point toes, straighten legs, DON'T SHIBAI!!
You all can do it!! (:

JIAYOU HCI C DIV AND B DIV!!
JIAYOU OLLY!!
:D

STRESS!!
but WE CAN DO THIS (:

2008-03-30T19:47:00.003+08:00

I MISS WANG

and I MISS MY TEAM

Comps is in 3 weeks.
I'm far from ready.
I'm not peaking.
Deep deep down, I have this wilful, unreasonable little wish that wang will come and watch comps, and give me the strength he used to give me. I can't help but think that if he were here, I'd have so much more confidence. My tao will be so much better. Wang was everything in gym for the past 2 years. It just doesn't feel right without him. I joined a div for wang, for my seniors. Wang is gone, the seniors are leaving..

Econs lecture test tomorrow.
I don't feel like studying.

Tons of homework
I don't feel like touching

It's just this feeling of emptiness, all over again.
Nothing's missing. But nothing's there.
Lord, give me the strength to follow through, the strength to not give up.

2008-03-22T21:00:00.002+08:00

PICTURES from founder's day CIP

Ahhh. I obviously gained weight around the cheeks. shucks.

<--start of weight loss programme-->
[which probably won't work due to Jeanne's extreme cravings for sweet stuff and junk food]
I'm trying (but failing) to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

2008-03-20T22:15:00.002+08:00

Founder's day CIP was..slack. I don't know what made me drag myself up from bed and to school. But I did..

After CIP, some people stayed back to cycle. I miss cycling. But I told Rina I would go back to watch the juniors. So Nianci and I cabbed back to school. Actually, the juniors are A LITTLE better than when I last saw them. Wu made me sit down to help judge the juniors. And by the scores we both gave, the juniors are far from getting their team gold. or even silver.
I just hope they come down to hc to train soon. Maybe the hci c div tramp will INSPIRE them to improve and za gao. Just maybe..

I think I'm deproving. My tao. I lost that feeling of floating in the air.
And I swear the nanyang tramp is cursed. It mades my houkongchuai wai.

I'm hoping for something to happen.
I'm waiting.
But then again, my fate is in the hands of god.
The omniscient god.
My comfort lies in knowing that our father doesn't short change any of us. Everything he introduces into our lives is for a reason. And I'm determined to pass this test. I promise to fight on.

I've been suppressing my feelings alot recently. Forcing myself to be strong, to not cry, to press on. It's tiring and heavy. One more month. Jiayou!!

2008-03-15T21:40:00.001+08:00

I'm so tired and burnt out, I feel like dropping everything and giving up.
It's energy zapping, and I'm left with none.

2008-03-13T19:29:00.004+08:00

After effect of dancing from 9-4:
-Swollen knees
-Blue blacks
-TONS of burning blisters
-Muscle ache (and I mean WHOLE BODY), not to forget BUTT ACHE.

I forced myself to go for dance today, despite my parent's protests. And it was quite funny because when everyone was doing rolls across the floor, I was the only one on my feet. turning on the spot. Forgive my ahma knees! They die really easily. Now, I'm just wondering how I'm gonna do tramp tomorrow. I hope the swell goes down overnight. AND the muscle ache disappears overnight. I don't fancy doing houkongchuai and back layout with a back ache; sit drop twist with a butt ache; qitiao with arm aches and thigh mucle aches.
It really isn't easy to juggle gym and dance. but ONE MORE MONTH!! jiayou (:

Og outing yesterday.
I'm glad that I dragged myself to caroline's house despite being tired and shag after dance.
I really like my og. They're a really cool bunch of people. and we had like almost half attendence (not sure of the exact number because people came and went). AND I feel comfortable around them. That's most important, I guess.
The usual drill of truth and truth (of course, the fun is doubled when people like caroline and I do not have any scandals to be drilled about)
The usual niao jonsoh sessions (all of a sudden, he became ah-beng AND goofy all at once).
I learnt a new game: taboo. Apparently I'm deprived because I've never heard of the game before. And I sort of suck at the game. Haha.

My sis got "interviewed" by youth.sg after her a level results. Check out her results man! Smarty pants ><

I WILL NOT be scared of brani.

2008-03-11T18:49:00.002+08:00

PICTURES!!

Orientation

valentine's day

STJ

Huangcheng

I went back to visit today. Gym has changed alot since I last was there. Somehow, I can no longer find that comfort I used to find in the nanyang gym.
The juniors really aren't up to standard this year. I gave them a talk, which I hope wasn't too harsh. But there are really too many things at stake this year. I don't wanna see nanyang gym closing down fully. Given the choice, I would cling on to every last strand there is. This is a sport that I take pride in, one I have passion in. I want to see hordes of juniors following my path, understanding the passion I have in tramp, enjoying that feeling of soaring through the air. I want to spread this sanctuary where the only things that matter are the tramp and I. That familiar rhythm, that familiar airiness.
On top of all, the juniors don't understand that gym isn't about training for comps, but about attaining that perfection. Comps is secondary because if you strive for perfection, you will do well in comps anyway. Being in the team is unimportant because that experience you share with your team is more significant. They stop training because they aren't in the team. They train because comps is coming. That meaning is lost, and I have no idea how to instill it in them anymore.
I don't like this feeling of helplessness. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I can do. I wish I were as strong and all-knowing as the juniors think I am. Then, I'd be able to save the world, save what is important to me. But no. I'm just another helpless human being, my life in the hands of god. All I can do now is pray for my juniors, that they will have that passion and strength to continue. Jiayou, juniors! Your seniors will always be behind you.

It's weird seeing everything from a senior's point of view. It is weird to step into gym and be greeted by a chorus of greetings. Now I think back, whenever seniors came to visit, they would be evaluating us, our team. Just like I was doing. I wonder what they thought of us. That we couldn't make it? That they didn't see the flame of passion?

Dance tomorrow's 9-4. Omg. I hope I won't be too tired to go for og outing.

2008-03-05T21:13:00.002+08:00

Today, amidst all the nagging of the hc wang, I was hit with this strong feeling of loss. I miss ah wang. I feel very insecure now, and I feel only he can give me the accurate reflection of how my routine is. My brani is wai and incorrect, and I feel only he can help me find the right brani. But he's away in Canada. Ah. Gym just doesn't feel right without wang.

This is just really reminiscent of last time. When I was in sec one and two, when the seniors were still here, when yining was still here, when my team was still here.

AND I WANT HIS BRANI!!
In fact, I WANT HIS ROUTINE!!
I don't know how to do a proper brani..

2008-03-02T18:36:00.002+08:00

It seems the only time I've truely been myself in hwachong was when I was in my og. I don't know why the change. But I'd like to revert back to my old self. People that used to know me either think I'm behaving too bimbo-like or mugger-ish. Ah. Sucks. It's 2 extremes.

I went for modern dance re-auditions afterall, credits to Jiayee. I'm really quite glad I have a senior in dance who can help me resolve this issue, and also that Dan understands the situation I'm caught in. He wasn't even disappointed that for me, gym precedes dance.

More than one person has said that my blog is emo. I'm not emo! It's just that I only blog when I need an outlet to express and that's usually when I'm at the best of moods.

Actually, Singapore does crisis management really well. I'm quite impressed that they disseminated information so fast, and informed the public about the escape of Mas Selamat. I can't say the same should this have happened anywhere else.
My younger sis is afraid that she'd get kidnapped by him anytime. Haha. Talk about being paranoid.

BIO LECTURE TEST ON TUESDAY!! I'm freaking out because I can't remember anything, neither can I answer any of the questions I tried without 'huh'-ing at it.

Something came today which marks the start of pain. But yet, it's a relief.

2008-02-27T20:55:00.002+08:00

Apollo lost fac dance competition.
Ah well. All the faculties put in their best effort, and Ares won. It doesn't really matter the results, but that we all had fun doing fac dance, and we love our fac dance. Thomas and Jiayi looked really sad. But all the same, they're really great dance ICs. The time they put in, their enthusiasm will always be remembered by the 08 batch. I watched the video on youtube, and we looked awesome. We were pretty darn synchronised.
At the end of the day, we're still ahead by 80 points in fac competition because WE OWNED DRAMA FEST!! Best actor, best actress, best script, BEST PLAY.

School's becoming really stressful. It's the never ending line of tutorials. Next week, we have bio, GP and possibly econs tests. I feel like I've no life. I miss those days in sec 2 where I would be in orchard every other day. In sec 3 and 4, it was reduced to once in a month. Now, orchard seems strange and unfamiliar (not like I'd enjoy going there anymore. It's really crowded nowadays).

I heard the nanyang juniors aren't exactly the best of standards this year. It's ok, juniors. What's most important is you fought hard as a team, together. The medals are secondary, because you'll never be able to get back this time you have with your teammates. Trust me, I miss my team. Jiayou, dears.

2008-02-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

2008-02-17T17:44:00.002+08:00

I will stop being so
critical
unreasonable
tactless
gossipy
unrelenting
spoilt
dao
whatever you name it
will that do?
Will that be the Jeanne you used to know?

I'm falling far behind on homework
I've been eating alot due to stress
And I'm not liking it

Chingay's over.
It's a return to 'normal life'. No longer the need to struggle, to do training on odd days, to explain to wang that I have dance and have to leave early.
No more excuese for being tired, for postponing the completion of my routine. I know, and meiying knows its because I'm scared. But all the same, I dread having to do what I fear.
No more excuses for not doing homework, for slacking, for sleeping in lectures.
No more.
I'll miss dance and the friends that I enjoyed being with. Xiping, Caroline, Pris, Charmaine, Jiahong. But we all have to make choices, I've made mine.
I don't wanna have to tell Dan about it. I'm afraid of his reaction. I'll just have to be thick-skinned and pretend that I'm not scared, nor sad. That it's a matter of fact.

2008-02-14T20:46:00.002+08:00

Feelings that can't be translated into words.
That's what it is..

You know, it really isn't anything. Just a heavy heart. Why? I really don't know. I'm just tired. I need a stimulant. But I can't find it. Not in school, not at home. Maybe in gym. I miss the SJI tramp. I miss the Nanyang gym. I miss that feeling of home..
But yet, that isn't it. It is more than that..

2008-02-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

In the past, 14th feb was always international friendship day.
Now, all of a sudden, it is valentine's day.
14th feb was a special day, but not a big day, in Nanyang..

I'm not suffering from culture shock. Not after more than a month in hwa chong. But I had a hard time deciding what and who to buy for.

JC's stressful. It is. But I'll live.

Chingay this friday and saturday!! Everyone, please watch! HCI MAD is performing! We're one of the first to perform after the racing cars thingi. You can switch off the tv after that (: