every beat of my heart

Thursday, July 09, 2009

10:03 PM

I promise to study hard after a one week break. And this time, I won't offer myself anymore excuses. I will get rid of all the distractions! I promise!! ><

It's funny how life happens sometimes. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy the rigour of the process.

I'm not a miley cyrus fan, but I like this song :)

Sunday, July 05, 2009

3:38 PM

And the sermon today couldn't have been more informative. Selective grace that leaves some of us left behind. Sometimes, I really wonder if believing is receiving. He loves. But do I? During some part of my life, selfishness and pride took over. That's why babies are always beautiful. Because they are angelic and sinless. As we age, we accumulate wrongdoings, and more often than not, we are our own downfall.

Friday, July 03, 2009

11:35 PM

Currently in love with this song!!
That's what love really is to me, loving the other for all his imperfections and awkwardness. Because that's when you know that it is real. Recently, I've been seeing relationships crack, and even break down, because people just aren't themselves. And relationships just cannot be built on lies and false perceptions. You refuse to change him by telling him what is wrong with him, but you continuously change yourself to be perfect in his eyes. That will make a very fragile, and to me, flawed relationship.

Because the future is so tentative and I'm unsure about everything from what I'm doing now to what's going to happen in the future, it seems like I'm walking in the dark with no sense of where I'm heading anymore, and I dislike that feeling, I dislike the dark. I'm at a major crossroad of my life, but I seem to be working towards nothing. Studying has always been something that I'm too lazy to do, but never difficult to do. But at this point, it is difficult to study, and even harder to do well. I know that somewhere inside me, there is that ability to study hard and do well, but I just haven't realised it yet.
I'm tired of the branding and naming. Don't behave like you know me so well; don't behave like you know all that I've been through; don't behave like you know what is going through my mind.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

7:39 PM

This is probably one of the few times when realisation isn't enlightening, when it has triggered more tears than stress has.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

12:19 PM

And so I wasted plenty of time on the television and day dreaming about stuff that I could be doing. While my usually mugger siblings actually have the time to watch korean dramas and play computer games (yes we are no life noobs still stuck on SIMS house party and Age of Empires), I have to stare wistfully and then cruelly drag myself back to the control of gene expression. And while the rest of this shopping city is enjoying GSS and wasting their money away on stuff that they buy because it looks nice on models but in reality don't suit their body shape one bit, I only can flip through magazines and stare at the pretty dresses and hope they could pop out of the page and appear in my wardrobe. It really doesn't help that at this point, I feel like doing all the crazy stuff that I would never in my lifetime think of doing unless I'm as bored and devoid of life as I am now. The grass is always greener on the other side. Too bad I'm not a horse, but I would like to get to the other side soon. FIVE MONTHS TO GO!! Please help me to survive this mentally exhuasting half a year that will be a little more than torture and a little less than boring. And when I'm bored because I no longer have studying to do, I'll be thankful that I actually can sit in front of the computer and pig out the whole day.

Friday, June 12, 2009

12:54 AM

I'm so over all that heart clamping excitement.
From the moment the clock ticked down to the last second, you have become just another acquaintance.
Not a single look, not a second chance.
Yes, I can be decisive about some things.

Monday, June 08, 2009

10:43 PM

Because your definition of love is so different from that of the mainstream, I find it hard to believe that you even know the meaning of that word. It is a big word, just like hate is a big word.

Life is a journey that has just begun.

12:23 AM

Famine camp is over, and I SURVIVED IT!!
I was actually quite annoyed throughout the whole duration of the camp because I felt alot of things were poorly planned and not well thought through. But I have to admit I learnt some things from the camp. I learnt that I can live without food, and that I crave for different things from other people. Fried chicken and maggie mee? No thanks. I crave for bread. I also learnt that I'm never ever going to starve myself again because my emotions cannot withstand such turmoil. Low blood sugar = sleepy and gloomy Jeanne. And if I really want to give to society, there are better ways than doing something so symbolic. Real actions that actually have a direct impact on the victims. If my parents allow, I really want to go on a missions trip next year. Because I learnt so much more from 1 day of OCIP Vietnam than 30 hours of starving myself. And the former is tonnes more meaningful and fulfilling.

I really dislike it when people walk super slowly, particularly when they block my path. I guess it is part of city living. Everything goes at a hustle and bustle speed, and you can never be too fast. But I really want to have the time to stop and take a deep breath, to stretch and enjoy the cool morning breeze, to appreciate the nature that was created not for humans, but for all living creatures. But then reality check: I am on a race with time, and time waits for no one.
(CRAP I AM LEGALLY 18 AND THIS FEELS OLD!! I WANT TO BE SEVENTEEN AGAIN.REWIND!!). Some times, I wish life was like a tape on playback.

And the battle begins. Block Test 2, HERE I COME :D